Cleanse-O-Rama Day 12

Today I made a "green smoothie" for breakfast. I didn't mean to. It just sort of came out that way. In my ignorance I just assumed that the hemp protein powder I bought would be some benign shade of eggshell - instead of the marijuana green that it actually was. The color freaked me out so much that I had to drink it through an opaque straw out of one of those plastic travel coffee mugs complete with lid. Apparently I did not horrify myself sufficiently at breakfast-time because this afternoon my lunch consisted of something that was both vegan AND macrobiotic. Hey, if I start wearing tie-died t-shirts and start skipping showers, would you please sign me up for electro shock therapy treatments? Thanks.

Storm Front Brewing

I recently committed to do a 21 day cleanse and am now on Day 3. Due to the fact that my body just realized I don’t plan on feeding it coffee or Ho Hos again any time soon , the 10 day forecast is for cranky and overcast with a few smatterings of tears. Some areas could experience isolated bitchiness. Grab your umbrellas and don your galoshes folks, we're in for some nasty weather.

Leader of the Pack

I recently found a new book club in my area that is going to be exploring the archetypal mythology of Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ classic book, Women Who Run with the Wolves. Sadly, when I hopped online to register as a participant, I discovered this group is already at capacity and there’s a wait list to participate. What?!

Seriously, you guys have 9 members signed up. The James-Younger Gang was bigger than you. If you can’t fit 9 people in your living room then it’s time to scope out a new venue and start charging people to join. (Or it’s time for you to move into a house with a larger living room – take your pick) Hey, you could rent out the local Elks Lodge - tell them your book club is reading Women Who Run with the Elks and I bet they won’t even charge you a rental fee. Sign up 30 women at $15 apiece and you pocket $450. (Sheesh, the entrepreneurial part of my brain is working on overdrive these days. Now if I could just get the where did I leave my keys part of my brain to kick in I’d be well on my way to ruling the world.)

Showdown

Josie was face-to-face with a Spectacled Bear when I finally decided to hit the hay last night. I hope she remembered to turn off the TV....

The Next Big Hit

Woohoo, I have new Netflix dvds to watch this weekend! I can never remember what I've rented, so tearing open those little red envelopes is always a big surprise. I wonder what my postman would think if he knew he stuffed Children of the Corn and Anne of Green Gables in the same mailbox yesterday.

Actually, it might be more interesting to know how the Children and Anne would feel if they knew they were hanging out in the same mailbox together. I imagine they'd probably get along fine at the outset. What with Anne being just a kid herself, she'd fit right in with the other Children for awhile. They'd all hang out at Green Gables wearing their Amish-style clothes and working the farm, planting some corn and watching it grow. Eventually though, the Children would fuck things up. One of them (probably Malachai) would kill off Anne's adoptive parents with an axe causing Anne, always the red-headed spitfire, to seek her own revenge. She'd need the help of some serious muscle to go up against The Children though and unfortunately, all of Anne's friends are total lightweights. I mean come on, even her male chums wear knee breeches.

Thankfully, the final season of the Sopranos was also in the mailbox so I'm thinking Anne could always sell the farm and use the proceeds to hire a hitman or two. I'm sure Tony, Paulie and the rest of the crew would be happy to kick some Amish adolescent ass, especially once they realized that the Children were all about killing off every adult in Avonlea. Yeah, Tony was always a pretty serious disciplinarian so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be letting any of those Children get away with bloody murder.

Wow. Tony Soprano, Don of Green Gables. I fuckin' love Netflix.

In which I'm reminded I really need to move

Spring is finally here and, after winter’s long reprieve, my neighborhood is beginning to resemble a noisy psych ward again. Trekking back home through the ‘Ville last night, I couldn’t help but notice that the residents of every group home, halfway house, and assisted living facility in my neighborhood (yes, there are several) seem to have poured into the streets. It was as though God himself had come along to do some spring cleaning and part of his process entailed tipping each of these residences upside down and shaking out the occupants for a good airing. The sights - the sounds - the smells! (All reminders that Soylent Green is people...)

This can only mean that Season 4 of the Joe and Jackie show should be returning very soon to a street corner near me. For those of you who may be new to this phenomenon, Joe and Jackie are star crossed lovers with mental health problems and an exhibitionist streak a mile wide. If it’s true that God sometimes just hands you material, then Joe and Jackie are to my neighborhood what Chris Rock is to the rest of America – uncouth, uncensored, unpredictable and unbelievably funny. Grab your popcorn and pass the milk duds, folks. I get the feeling we're in for a double feature!



P.S.: Did any of you happen to notice that God got two mentions in this post? What’s THAT about? I think I've been watching too many religion documentaries...

More proof that animals are smarter than we are

Sadly, spell check was no match for this reporter...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,512010,00.html

Sign O' The Times

A I Gee, how stupid do you think we are? Do you honestly believe a simple name change will magically erase our collective memory of your financial misdeeds? Back in the 90’s when Prince changed his name to a symbol and everyone started referring to him as TAFKAP (The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) we humored him because he was an eccentric musical genius who crayola’d our world in purple and hey, whatever floated his boat was ok by us.

AIG, you are no Prince.

Do Me A Favor

Dear Skype,

First let me say that I absolutely adore you. You’re way cheaper than a landline and I love feeling like a time life operator whenever I don my headset to call a friend. Besides, rainbows and unicorns are the only things missing from that cute logo of yours. How could anyone not love you? Just because you rock the casbah though, doesn't mean there isn’t still some room for improvement.

For starters, I spent entirely too much time the other night trying to figure out how to update my credit card info on your website - to no avail. Call me crazy but it would be nice to change my billing preferences without running the risk of deleting my account. When the expiration date comes and goes and you can no longer automatically squeeze that $2.95 out of me each month, don’t you even THINK about charging me a late fee. There are other fish in the sea, Skype, with equally cool names and cute logos. Just because you’re best buds with Oprah doesn’t mean you can't be replaced.

Oh, and another thing. I wish you’d be a bit more selective when allowing people to use your service. Jackass4Ever12 left me a voicemail yesterday and since I didn’t recognize his name, I deleted the message without listening to it. Apparently not the sharpest tool in the shed, Jackass4Ever12 is now trying to contact me via your instant messaging service. How do I know this? Because you just sent me an email that says, Jackass4Ever12 is trying to reach you on Skype. Here’s their message: “Slut.”

I can tell you right now, Skype, that that sort of harrassment does not fly with me. So be a mensch will you, and go tell Jackass4ever12 to shut the fuck up.

Thanks a bunch!
Beau