One of the laptops in my office has been screaming for tech support so I finally made the call this afternoon and got some assistance from Omar who walked me through all sorts of crazy diagnostic stuff over the phone. Whatever we did to the computer seemed to make it happier and so, at the end of the call, I thanked him for his assistance. To which he replied, “You are most welcome. Is there anything else I can do to make you extremely satisfied?
Oh Omar, you just totally blew it for the next guy…
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Happy World Tuberculosis Day!
Ok people, I just have to get this off my chest. (But first let me say that I originally typed that sentence to read “Ok, I just have to get this off my chest people.” and “chest people” just looked like a fucked up colloquialism for my boobs, which I do refer to as the girls but would never refer to as people. Go figure. Anyway that sentence clearly had to be restructured. And now that it has been, I return you to my regularly scheduled rant.)
There’s a billboard in one of the train stations downtown that’s been bugging me every day for a month. It depicts a woman pondering whether she has Multiple Sclerosis, ALS, Parkinson’s, Breast Cancer, Clinical Depression, etc. Apparently one of the local hospitals is doing a clinical trial for hypochondriacs and they are recruiting volunteers. Well hell, if I wasn’t a hypochondriac before I read that sign 30 times, I sure as shootin’ am now! By the way, I usually see this sign right after I duck past the ad on the train that tries to convince me that tonight could be the night I am eaten alive by deadly bedbugs.
This morning, I hopped online to Google "bed bugs" but, before I could enter my search criteria, I noticed a statement underneath the empty search box. It read: “Tuberculosis is a global threat. Get tested and treated.” The second sentence was a hyperlink that, of course, I HAD TO CLICK, otherwise curiosity would be killing me softly if I didn’t. So I clicked - and was promptly informed that today is World Tuberculosis Day. Since when, you ask? Yeah, I asked that too. Since 1882 when, according to Google, Dr. McSmartyPants discovered that TB was spread via airborne bacteria - but according to every calendar I’ve owned over the last 37 years, since NEVER. So, fuck you Google. Fuck you and the tuberculosis infected bed bug you rode in on.
There’s a billboard in one of the train stations downtown that’s been bugging me every day for a month. It depicts a woman pondering whether she has Multiple Sclerosis, ALS, Parkinson’s, Breast Cancer, Clinical Depression, etc. Apparently one of the local hospitals is doing a clinical trial for hypochondriacs and they are recruiting volunteers. Well hell, if I wasn’t a hypochondriac before I read that sign 30 times, I sure as shootin’ am now! By the way, I usually see this sign right after I duck past the ad on the train that tries to convince me that tonight could be the night I am eaten alive by deadly bedbugs.
This morning, I hopped online to Google "bed bugs" but, before I could enter my search criteria, I noticed a statement underneath the empty search box. It read: “Tuberculosis is a global threat. Get tested and treated.” The second sentence was a hyperlink that, of course, I HAD TO CLICK, otherwise curiosity would be killing me softly if I didn’t. So I clicked - and was promptly informed that today is World Tuberculosis Day. Since when, you ask? Yeah, I asked that too. Since 1882 when, according to Google, Dr. McSmartyPants discovered that TB was spread via airborne bacteria - but according to every calendar I’ve owned over the last 37 years, since NEVER. So, fuck you Google. Fuck you and the tuberculosis infected bed bug you rode in on.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Best Lunch Ever
In the midst of my lunchtime stroll today, I witnessed a hawk rip a pigeon right out of the sky and wrestle him onto a nearby tree branch to finish the kill. SO f***ing cool!
As the hawk tore apart giant clumps of pigeon, an unsuspecting lady walked right under the branch and stopped to get a closer look at some pretty feathers on the ground. Seconds later her head jerked up with a start and the lightbulb switched on. Priceless.
As the hawk tore apart giant clumps of pigeon, an unsuspecting lady walked right under the branch and stopped to get a closer look at some pretty feathers on the ground. Seconds later her head jerked up with a start and the lightbulb switched on. Priceless.
I spoke to the lady as she walked by me because, I’m sorry, I just had to connect with SOMEONE on the ground who was aware of what was happening. Turns out she’s Russian (Yay, me too! Ok, well, my paternal grandmother was Russian, that still counts right?)
So get this; she tells me that in Russian the word for “the one who eats meat” (pointing at the indelicate hawk) is “heek-neesh” (yes, that is my own phoneticized English version of the word because I have no idea how to spell what she said in Russian. Dude, they have a completely different alphabet than we do - cut me some slack.)
Anyway, I may have stuck around a little too long to watch Mr. Heekneesh eat his lunch because now I'm wondering what the Russian word is for 'vegetarian'.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Another Low-Key Weekend
The guy and I are headed up to NH to bottle our beer this weekend. And while we're up there, I plan to procure a 900lb bag of basmati rice. Yes, that's right, Nashua, NH is a beer and basmati mecca - you been living under a rock or something? Actually I don't need 900 pounds of basmati. I'm thinking a 10 pound bag will do just fine. 'Cuz I eats me a lotta rice! That's what we superheroes live on, yo. Beer and basmati. Oh yeah, and whatever we manage to flay with our electrified whips. Yup, Nashua won't know what hit 'em...You can make your own superhero here. Just don't forget to tell 'em who sent you!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Geography Lesson
Here's an interesting bit of trivia:
If Facebook were a country, it would rank 6th in terms of population size.
I wonder how many 10th graders will be representing Facebook at the Model U.N. next year.
If Facebook were a country, it would rank 6th in terms of population size.
I wonder how many 10th graders will be representing Facebook at the Model U.N. next year.
Stop saying that!
In recent days I have heard the word de-install used at least 15 times in my conversations with several different service reps at Photocopiers 'R' Us . I even tried dropping the word uninstall into a couple of conversations just to see if it would go unnoticed - and I was CORRECTED each time.
Apparently there's an enormous difference between de-installing and uninstalling a photocopier. I wish someone would tell me what that difference is so that I may be less inclined to stab someone in the eye with an icepick the next time they say the copier is going to be de-installed.
In the meantime, here are some other nifty words and phrases that may drive me to violence very soon:
For all intensive purposes
(For all intents and purposes, you're an idiot.)
Conversate
(This is the last time I knowingly converse with an idiot.)
Irregardless
(Regardless of what you may have been led to believe, irregardless is not a word. Now hand me that icepick.)
Mute point
(Where I purchased this icepick is really a moot point. Though I suppose if I used it to stab you in the neck it might be a mute point after all.)
Supposably
(There is supposedly a $10,00 reward being offered to anyone who may have information regarding the multiple stabbings at Photocopiers 'R' Us .)
Reply back to me
(Honestly, a simple reply will do)
Apparently there's an enormous difference between de-installing and uninstalling a photocopier. I wish someone would tell me what that difference is so that I may be less inclined to stab someone in the eye with an icepick the next time they say the copier is going to be de-installed.
In the meantime, here are some other nifty words and phrases that may drive me to violence very soon:
For all intensive purposes
(For all intents and purposes, you're an idiot.)
Conversate
(This is the last time I knowingly converse with an idiot.)
Irregardless
(Regardless of what you may have been led to believe, irregardless is not a word. Now hand me that icepick.)
Mute point
(Where I purchased this icepick is really a moot point. Though I suppose if I used it to stab you in the neck it might be a mute point after all.)
Supposably
(There is supposedly a $10,00 reward being offered to anyone who may have information regarding the multiple stabbings at Photocopiers 'R' Us .)
Reply back to me
(Honestly, a simple reply will do)
Friday, March 6, 2009
Dueling Lyrics
Have you ever awakened COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED after a night of deep and restful sleep? That's me today. Seriously, I'm staggering around like an extra in a Bruce Campbell movie. What's worse is that I woke up with two sets of dueling song lyrics in my head.
1) All the punks are gonna scream yippee, 'cuz it's the thing that only eats hippies
(from The Thing That Only Eats Hippies by the Dead Milkmen)
2) Woke up this mornin', put on my slippers, walked in the kitchen and died
(from Please Don't Bury Me by John Prine
These two lines flipped back and forth across my gray matter until finally, John Prine won. Now the entire song is on a continuous melodic loop from my brain to my mouth to my ears and back. Woe betide whoever sits next to me on the train home tonight...
John Prine rocks. I must share the entire song with the world. Enjoy!
Please Don't Bury Me
©John Prine
Woke up this morning
Put on my slippers
Walked in the kitchen and died
And oh what a feeling!
When my soul
Went thru the ceiling
And on up into heaven I did ride
When I got there they did say
John, it happened this way
You slipped upon the floor
And hit your head
And all the angels say
Just before you passed away
These were the very last words
That you said:
Chorus:
Please don't bury me
Down in that cold cold ground
No, I'd druther have "em" cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
And the deaf can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size
Give my stomach to Milwaukee
If they run out of beer
Put my socks in a cedar box
Just get "em" out of here
Venus de Milo can have my arms
Look out! I've got your nose
Sell my heart to the junkman
And give my love to Rose
Repeat Chorus
Give my feet to the footloose
The careless, fancy free
Give my knees to the needy
Don't pull that stuff on me
Hand me down my walking cane
It's a sin to tell a lie
Send my mouth way down south
And kiss my ass goodbye
Repeat Chorus
1) All the punks are gonna scream yippee, 'cuz it's the thing that only eats hippies
(from The Thing That Only Eats Hippies by the Dead Milkmen)
2) Woke up this mornin', put on my slippers, walked in the kitchen and died
(from Please Don't Bury Me by John Prine
These two lines flipped back and forth across my gray matter until finally, John Prine won. Now the entire song is on a continuous melodic loop from my brain to my mouth to my ears and back. Woe betide whoever sits next to me on the train home tonight...
John Prine rocks. I must share the entire song with the world. Enjoy!
Please Don't Bury Me
©John Prine
Woke up this morning
Put on my slippers
Walked in the kitchen and died
And oh what a feeling!
When my soul
Went thru the ceiling
And on up into heaven I did ride
When I got there they did say
John, it happened this way
You slipped upon the floor
And hit your head
And all the angels say
Just before you passed away
These were the very last words
That you said:
Chorus:
Please don't bury me
Down in that cold cold ground
No, I'd druther have "em" cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
And the deaf can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size
Give my stomach to Milwaukee
If they run out of beer
Put my socks in a cedar box
Just get "em" out of here
Venus de Milo can have my arms
Look out! I've got your nose
Sell my heart to the junkman
And give my love to Rose
Repeat Chorus
Give my feet to the footloose
The careless, fancy free
Give my knees to the needy
Don't pull that stuff on me
Hand me down my walking cane
It's a sin to tell a lie
Send my mouth way down south
And kiss my ass goodbye
Repeat Chorus
Thursday, March 5, 2009
McGruff-ed Up
A couple of days ago McGruff the Crime Dog was assaulted in our nation's capitol. Apparently, he was standing on a street corner, passing out flyers to children when a local bus driver stopped the bus, hopped off, adjusted his side view mirror, punched McGruff in the face, then got back on the bus and drove away. Whaaaaat???
Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, it's not as if the poor guy dressed as McGruff wasn't already suffering enough. First off, the dude was a cop. You can't tell me that his assignment to dog duty was not intended to punish and humiliate him to begin with. What did he do to deserve such cruelty, sleep with the chief's wife? Second of all, the air inside those McGruff suits hovers steadily around 5 bagillion degrees and smells like wet socks. (So I had a McGruff gig in college, what's it to ya?) Here's the deal: if you're dressed as McGruff the Crime Dog, you're already feeling suicidal and the last thing you need is some asshole to kick you when you're down. Shame on you, bus driver. Shame. On. You.
Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, it's not as if the poor guy dressed as McGruff wasn't already suffering enough. First off, the dude was a cop. You can't tell me that his assignment to dog duty was not intended to punish and humiliate him to begin with. What did he do to deserve such cruelty, sleep with the chief's wife? Second of all, the air inside those McGruff suits hovers steadily around 5 bagillion degrees and smells like wet socks. (So I had a McGruff gig in college, what's it to ya?) Here's the deal: if you're dressed as McGruff the Crime Dog, you're already feeling suicidal and the last thing you need is some asshole to kick you when you're down. Shame on you, bus driver. Shame. On. You.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Citizen's Arrest
The next time some jackass cuts me off on the SIDEWALK because they're too busy text messaging to watch where they are walking, I'm slapping on the handcuffs and hauling them down to the nearest precinct.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Multi(taken to)task
Woman arrested for driving while breast-feeding, talking on phone
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2009/feb/28/woman-arrested-driving-while-breast-feeding-talkin/
What the AP doesn't mention in this article (but my local radio announcer did!) is that the woman was balancing her child against the steering wheel in order to accomplish the aforementioned feat. Who is this chick...the opening act of Hillbilly Cirque du Soleil?
By the way, my favorite comment posted by a reader of the AP article is, "What a boob!"
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2009/feb/28/woman-arrested-driving-while-breast-feeding-talkin/
What the AP doesn't mention in this article (but my local radio announcer did!) is that the woman was balancing her child against the steering wheel in order to accomplish the aforementioned feat. Who is this chick...the opening act of Hillbilly Cirque du Soleil?
By the way, my favorite comment posted by a reader of the AP article is, "What a boob!"
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