Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Sarcasm Boomerang
Colleague: I’m having trouble sending emails to my friends with AOL addresses. My emails just bounce back.
Me: People still use AOL?
Two weeks pass as our intrepid IT department waves its magic wand over the internet
Me: Hey, that AOL email problem has finally been fixed. Let me know if you run into any other glitches.
Colleague: Thanks, I’ll see if I have any friends left and let you know.
Me: People still use AOL?
Two weeks pass as our intrepid IT department waves its magic wand over the internet
Me: Hey, that AOL email problem has finally been fixed. Let me know if you run into any other glitches.
Colleague: Thanks, I’ll see if I have any friends left and let you know.
My Three Cents
I should probably be writing a poignant post about my feelings on the loss of Ted Kennedy (in brief: I’m sad) but instead I’d really rather talk about the strange thing that happened at Starbucks this morning.
I handed the cashier payment for a muffin and was expecting to receive $.03 change along with my receipt. Instead, the cashier pulled 3 pennies out of the register and dropped them unceremoniously into the tip jar on the counter before turning to take the order of the gentleman next me. I just sort of stood there looking blankly at the tip jar and then blankly at the cashier and then blankly at the guy next to me and then blankly at the register and then blankly…
You get where I’m going with this right? I basically drew a big blank. I had no idea what to say although I felt like I should say something. Part of me was all I can’t believe she just stole my change while another part of me was all dude, why are you getting so worked up about 3 cents? While still another part of me was all you’ve never touched a surf board in your life so what’s with all this dude shit? As the voices in my head began to crescendo, I suddenly heard another voice – the one that was actually coming out of my mouth. And this time it said, Excuse me, may I have a receipt please?
Yup, a receipt. Please.
Immediately all the voices in my head stopped bickering and teamed up to give me a wedgie.
What the fuck? When did I go soft? What happened to the girl who tripped that guy with her umbrella when he yelled at her to get out of the way bitch? What happened to the girl who took her dollar back from that homeless woman when she realized she had been lied to and the woman wasn’t using it for train fare and probably wasn't even homeless? What happened to the girl who picked a fight with a sausage vendor in front of the Boston Garden because he was being an obscene, chauvinistic pig?
Dude, I used to be a lion like Ted. Now I'm just a p*ssy.
I handed the cashier payment for a muffin and was expecting to receive $.03 change along with my receipt. Instead, the cashier pulled 3 pennies out of the register and dropped them unceremoniously into the tip jar on the counter before turning to take the order of the gentleman next me. I just sort of stood there looking blankly at the tip jar and then blankly at the cashier and then blankly at the guy next to me and then blankly at the register and then blankly…
You get where I’m going with this right? I basically drew a big blank. I had no idea what to say although I felt like I should say something. Part of me was all I can’t believe she just stole my change while another part of me was all dude, why are you getting so worked up about 3 cents? While still another part of me was all you’ve never touched a surf board in your life so what’s with all this dude shit? As the voices in my head began to crescendo, I suddenly heard another voice – the one that was actually coming out of my mouth. And this time it said, Excuse me, may I have a receipt please?
Yup, a receipt. Please.
Immediately all the voices in my head stopped bickering and teamed up to give me a wedgie.
What the fuck? When did I go soft? What happened to the girl who tripped that guy with her umbrella when he yelled at her to get out of the way bitch? What happened to the girl who took her dollar back from that homeless woman when she realized she had been lied to and the woman wasn’t using it for train fare and probably wasn't even homeless? What happened to the girl who picked a fight with a sausage vendor in front of the Boston Garden because he was being an obscene, chauvinistic pig?
Dude, I used to be a lion like Ted. Now I'm just a p*ssy.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Mad, Mad Whirled
Dear Impatient Readers,
I know you have been anxiously awaiting a witty and relevant post but sadly, I must have left my bottle of Wit and Relevance at the laundromat last night.
What can I say? Life is good. It’s summertime and the living is easy. Unless you live next door to this guy...then the living is a little more tenuous.
So while I’m off being fabulous for the last few weeks of summer, why don’t you go make yourself fabulous too! You knew my new profile pic had to come from someplace fun!
Flouncy skirts and feather boas,
Beau
I know you have been anxiously awaiting a witty and relevant post but sadly, I must have left my bottle of Wit and Relevance at the laundromat last night.
What can I say? Life is good. It’s summertime and the living is easy. Unless you live next door to this guy...then the living is a little more tenuous.
So while I’m off being fabulous for the last few weeks of summer, why don’t you go make yourself fabulous too! You knew my new profile pic had to come from someplace fun!
Flouncy skirts and feather boas,
Beau
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Random Acts of Pastry
In case you didn’t know it, today is Vinyl Record Day. I know, it snuck up on me too! But I’m betting that Vespa owner up the street with the vanity plate that reads Vinyl Dciple knows what today is. I think I’ll have my local bakery decorate a cupcake to look like an old Beatles 45 so I can leave it on the seat of that guy's scooter. Won’t he be surprised!
For those of you who won't be having cupcakes, you can at least have a little fun over at the Vinyl Record Generator. Well, once they get it working again....
Kind of ironic isn't it?
For those of you who won't be having cupcakes, you can at least have a little fun over at the Vinyl Record Generator. Well, once they get it working again....
Kind of ironic isn't it?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Facebook Can Suck It
I hate Facebook. Not because people are constantly peeing on my Wall or sending me fake potted plants to stop global warming. Though seriously people, that shit needs to stop. No, I’m pissed because Facebook infected my computer with Koobface and then caused me to jolt awake at 3am in a cold sweat because my subconscious had just figured out that Koobface is Facebook backwards …or ½ backwards and ½ forwards. See? That just goes to show you how much this virus has fucked with me - I can’t even DESCRIBE it properly.
Anyway, it happened on Monday and now I know how all you Monday-haters feel. I had piles of shit to do and I just wanted to go outside and play but instead I spent half the day staring at an epileptic computer screen while Koobface and his friends, Trojan and Monder, frolicked in my hardrive. No euphemism intended. Oh yes, did I mention that my computer was infected with THREE viruses simultaneously? Well, technically two viruses and a worm. Imagine how you would feel if you contracted cholera AND ebola and then had a little dose of tapeworm on the side. Not so fresh, eh?
And here’s the irony - my computer only became symptomatic when I started searching the web for candida related websites. That’s right, research yeast infections and you’re liable to get Koobface. I was doing this for a client by the way, not for me. Oh sure, like the truth is actually going to convince you, Internet.
Anyway, the good news is that Koobface and Trojan (the two things responsible for ruining most one-night stands, by the way) have been exterminated by my fancy new virus killing software designed and installed by geek geniuses who ROCK. (Thank you geek geniuses!) Unfortunately, Monder got all pouty when his friends deserted him and he's now holed up in the System Volume directory still trying to wreak havoc. His days are numbered though.
Anyway, it happened on Monday and now I know how all you Monday-haters feel. I had piles of shit to do and I just wanted to go outside and play but instead I spent half the day staring at an epileptic computer screen while Koobface and his friends, Trojan and Monder, frolicked in my hardrive. No euphemism intended. Oh yes, did I mention that my computer was infected with THREE viruses simultaneously? Well, technically two viruses and a worm. Imagine how you would feel if you contracted cholera AND ebola and then had a little dose of tapeworm on the side. Not so fresh, eh?
And here’s the irony - my computer only became symptomatic when I started searching the web for candida related websites. That’s right, research yeast infections and you’re liable to get Koobface. I was doing this for a client by the way, not for me. Oh sure, like the truth is actually going to convince you, Internet.
Anyway, the good news is that Koobface and Trojan (the two things responsible for ruining most one-night stands, by the way) have been exterminated by my fancy new virus killing software designed and installed by geek geniuses who ROCK. (Thank you geek geniuses!) Unfortunately, Monder got all pouty when his friends deserted him and he's now holed up in the System Volume directory still trying to wreak havoc. His days are numbered though.
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