D is for Dumb-ass

Gang, I am falling apart at the seams this week! My vitamin D levels have hit rock bottom and my dermatologist has recommended high dosage supplementation to commence immediately. Vitamin D is largely responsible for maintaining bone integrity and with my levels this low, it won’t be surprising if Gumby’s face peers back at me the next time I look in the mirror.

In my infinite holistic wisdom I decided to ignore the rows of Vitamin D supplements on the pharmacy shelves and instead hopped online to purchase a bottle of cod liver oil. My reasoning was that I could kill two birds with one stone – get my 2000 units of D plus get all those extra omega fatty acids that are so good for me. My original plan was to order the capsules since most fish oils come in capsule form but I soon realized that the cod liver oil with D was only available in liquid form. Who knew?

And then I had to choose between the lemon flavor and the orange flavor. (Seriously?)

The internal debate raged for several minutes before I finally settled on lemon...because I generally like a little slice of lemon with my baked salmon. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You are witnessing idiot logic in action. Trust me, there’s more where that came from.)

The cod liver oil arrived yesterday and I immediately cracked that baby open and poured myself two teaspoonsful and drank them down most expeditiously. Ho-ly-fuck-ing oh my jesus what the fuck is slip-n-sliding down my Gar! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Ahem. I won’t be doing that again.

This morning I had a flash of idiot logic great idea though. I decided to replace the flaxseed oil that I usually put in my morning smoothie with the lemon cod liver oil instead. I figured it would taste just fine since I always throw a ton of different fruits in my smoothie. Lemon is a fruit after all, right? By now you're probably thinking sure, the lemon will be fine but what about the fish flavor? The good news is that the lemon is so strong that there isn't even a hint of cod. (You'd think that would have been a red flag for me...)


Someone really should revoke my blender privileges. The smoothie came out looking (as usual) like this. And even more unfortunately it tasted like this. Dudes, I drank that thing six hours ago and can still taste it in the back of my throat. Yes, you heard me. I drank the whole thing.

And now I'm yawning streak-free shines and farting lemon-y freshness.

A Funny For Your Friday

I don't know who created this masterpiece but you can buy the t-shirt at CafePress.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Day 1: Hurray! I’m on vacation! I can eat donuts for breakfast, boycott the shower, and watch movies all day since it's raining. Tomorrow I’ll head to the laundromat and get my other errands out of the way so that I can enjoy the rest of my vacation on the beach.

Day 2: It's still raining. I ate the last donut. Laundry postponed until tomorrow.

Day 3: I've run out of movies. The rain continues. My only clean panties are the ones with the shredding elastic.

Day 4: My street is a Class 3 rapids due to flash flooding. I'm going commando in my last clean pair of jeans. Bitchy is my middle name.

Day 5: Pouring. fucking. rain. The closest I'll get to the beach at this point is if I sit in the cat box with a halogen lamp aimed at my face.

Update: Torrential downpours have resulted in a power outage. I am now sitting in the catbox in the dark. Bitchy is my ONLY name.

Fuck vacation.