My Give-A-Damn’s Busted

My dear loyal reader(s?), I’m so sorry I haven’t left you with much cud to chew on lately. It’s just that every minute that I haven’t spent obsessing about buying food, cooking food, eating food and digesting food has been otherwise spent obsessing about how to ditch this boring, snoring corporate gig I wandered into 18 months ago. Lately the day job’s been soul-suckingly crappy. Not in the work-your-fingers-to-the-bone-and-get-treated-like-shit type of way that I hear a lot of other folks in the elevator bitch about. It’s more like the show-up-twiddle-your-thumbs-and-feel-your-life’s-essence-slowly-wither-with-every-tick-of-the-clock sort of way. Dude, these are precious moments I won’t get back! Seriously, the only time the phone rings at this job is when somebody is trying to call their gynecologist and accidentally dials our number instead.

I’ve been imagining what it would be like not to have to walk through this building every day. Oh sure, the first floor with its enormous breast-shaped light fixtures is always good for a giggle each morning and I would probably miss it. (Yes, there are GIANT BOOBS hanging from the ceiling downstairs. And they light up!) But I wouldn’t miss the humiliation of having to take an elevator to the 2nd floor. That’s right – an ELEVATOR takes me to my office on the 2nd floor. Not because I’m lazy but because I could be a terrorist and building security doesn’t want terrorists using the stairwell. Yes it’s true; my workplace is indeed the last bastion of logic – well, almost.

Rather than wallow in frustration and self-pity I’ve decided to take action and set a deadline for getting my ass out of here. (Ordinarily I’d be wallowing in Dove Bars and pie but this cleanse has me feeling quite spiffy - and I’m not ready to fuck up the spiffiness just yet.) So the deadline is my birthday. That’s September 15th for any of you who would like to send gifts. Gifts are always much appreciated and are also great insurance against me going all Lindsay Lohan on you and saying nasty things on the blog.

For the time being, my escape plan is still a little nebulous but I’ll keep you posted as progress is made. Vive la revolution!