Flamingo Street

It's Moving Day!

2009-11-03T19:16:00.001-05:00

Alright kids, listen up. Flamingo Street has moved and you are now standing in a condemned blog. If you want to find out how long it takes me to eat that 5 pound bag of mints, listen to me rant about the latest asshat to piss me off, and finally engage in witty repartee in a comments section that doesn't require you to log in, then please come join me at my new home.

Don't forget to change your reader feeds / bookmarks.

I'll Be Deducting My Outrage From The Rent

2009-11-02T12:48:00.004-05:00

Back on July 2nd my landlady's son told me that the DPW would be shutting off the water from noon until 2pm. Seems he neglected to tell me that this water event would in fact be happening on NOVEMBER 2nd.

Thus, I found myself standing in the shower at noon today with a head full of shampoo and hangover wondering if the full moon's effect on the tides was causing my impromptu water outage.

Thanks a lot, douchenoodle.

Tricks and Treats

2009-10-30T18:39:00.000-04:00

This Halloween I've decided to dress up as The Recession. When the ~~snot-nosed thieves~~ trick-or-treaters come to my door I will emerge unshowered, wearing the same t-shirt and sweatpants I donned three days ago, holding a giant empty ceramic bowl.

I just love holidays that double as civics lessons, don't you?

Update: Good news! By next week the bowl will be filled with these. Any bets on how long that 5 pound bag will last me?

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-21T10:54:00.002-04:00

Gratitude Sunday

2009-10-18T20:09:00.006-04:00

I'm grateful to be having full blown PMS in the middle of a snowstorm. This way I can eat pie and ice cream with a shovel.

Oh, and I'm probably going to start eating visitors next, so you might want to think about leaving soon.

The Letting Go

2009-10-16T13:58:00.001-04:00

"Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."  - Eleanor Roosevelt

By Eleanor's standards I was being small-minded in yesterday's post about the Best Man and his shitty wedding toast.  So I've decided that today I will elevate myself to average-minded status by discussing an event instead.

Let's talk about how I just lost my job. Ah look at me, I'm feeling average already!  Technically, I was "indefinitely furloughed" yesterday wtf?! Basically, they're still leaving the door open to bring me back should they actually start to make money and be able to pay the light bill again. Of course, if I wait around indefinitely for their circumstances to change, my lights will get shut off. So uh, sorry dudes but I've gotta follow the cash. If that means becoming a drug mule for the local Brazilian mob, so be it. A Flamingo's gotta put shrimp on the table somehow.

Feeling a bit deflated upon hearing the "we-hate-to-have-to-do-this" speech, I went in search of some inspirational words of wisdom. And Internet, I had no idea that Eleanor Roosevelt was so prolific in her wisdom! Seriously, that woman must have talked non-stop. oops, small mind alert!  So today, let us take a look at unemployment through the eyes of one of our greatest First Ladies*.

*with comments by one of our smallest minds

"A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

At first this sounded great and I was all "I am woman, hear me roar" but then I got skeeved out by the idea that Eleanor Roosevelt said tea bag....

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."

Even if that experience is cat food?

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

Nooooooo!

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."

Just what I always wanted to be, a bag lady with character.

"I could not at any age be content to take my place in a corner by the fireside and simply look on."

Gee Eleanor, when you put it like that, I guess unemployment isn't gonna be so bad after all. That fireside looks great. Pass the chianti...

Wedding Recap - When The Best Becomes The Worst

2009-10-14T19:31:00.002-04:00

Upon the DJ's urging, we all rose to our feet, champagne glasses in hand, ready to toast the newlyweds after a few short words from the Best Man. In my experience, most BMs like to keep it short and sweet because they’re either:

A) terrified of public speaking
B) a little drunk
C) both

Unfortunately, it quickly became clear that this particular Best Man was not familiar with the concept of short and sweet. I swear this guy’s toast must have clocked in at a solid 18 minutes. Thank goodness I was wearing comfortable shoes.

And then we heard it, a kinda nerdy, kinda shy, kinda drunken voice emanating from the speakers on the DJ’s table. Unfortunately I couldn’t actually see BM from where I was sitting. As usual, Boy Wonder and I had been assigned to the wedding equivalent of the kids’ table at Christmas Dinner – shoved in a corner with the rest of the guests whom the Bride knows will likely drink too much, laugh too loud, and heckle the DJ at some point during the evening.

BM began to speak of his childhood memories of growing up with the Groom - memories that included G’s penchant and freakish talent for the game of chess as well as BM’s pointless attempts at playing him. I could go into detail here, internet, but you really don’t want me to. It was basically just a bunch of chess blah blah blah he’s really good at it blah blah blah I suck at it blah blah blah is this microphone still on blah blah blah?.

Moments pass like molasses as BM’s little stroll down memory lane approaches the 9 minute mark. At this point I'm mainlining gin and tonic, afraid to look at BW or our friend C because I know we will all burst into fits of heckling laughter if I do. Then, pulling a non sequitur the likes of which I’ve never seen, BM launches into the second act of his ~~monologue~~ toast which goes something along the lines of there’s this restaurant that G likes blah blah blah where they serve 9 pound lobsters blah blah blah I never believed him blah blah blah until I ate there myself blah blah blah and wow, those really were some big lobsters blah blah blah G really likes lobsters blah blah blah.

Another 8 minutes and 45 seconds have oozed through the hourglass, during which time I have mainlined every other alcoholic beverage on our table and my toes have gone numb from standing. Either that or they have a little buzz on.

Suddenly, in a final and utterly unexpected 15 second spurt toward the finish line, BM ties it all together with, I shit you not:

“So I guess what I'm trying to say is, B, I really hope you can make G as happy as that 9 pound lobster did. Oh, and if you want to have a happy marriage, don’t ever challenge G to a game of chess.”

Really, Best Man? Are you fucking kidding me? That's your toast?

THAT?

..........................................

And so, as the evening waned, the Angels had bested the Red Sox, the Broncos had trampled the Patriots, my liver had been turned inside out like a used Ziploc bag, and the wait staff was using a crumber to sweep tiny little bits of brain matter off the table where my head had just exploded.

Footloose - Part 2

2009-10-10T18:30:00.024-04:00

Mission accomplished! Here are the new shoes I found for tomorrow's big event....

Cute, huh?

They aren't exactly the dominatrix-type heel I used to wear back in my teens and twenties but they are INFINITELY more dance-able. After all, I'd prefer not to break an ankle during the shimmy down, down, down, down verse of Rock Lobster.

This little purchase led me to an unnerving discovery when I returned home and took a good long look at my shoe closet. Over the years it would seem I have been quietly amassing a patent leather army.

If variety is the spice of life, my spice rack needs a makeover.

Footloose

2009-10-09T16:43:00.011-04:00

Can I get a “hell yeah” for Friday, y’all? Mmm hhhmm...thought so.

Just to keep you lurkers in the loop, my weekend plans are as follows:

Saturday
Go on recon mission for perfect shoes to wear to Sunday wedding. They must be sexy and stylish, (in keeping with the rest of my outfit and my bitchin' dance moves, yo) but not so sexy and stylish as to draw attention away from the bride. We do NOT want a recurrence of the Red Satin Pump Incident of 1994. Oh, and the new shoes also need to make my feet feel like I’m standing on clouds.

Hey, don’t act all surprised to learn that my feet are just as schizophrenic as the rest of me. You should know better by now.

Sunday
Wedding! Woohoo! Can’t wait to kick off my shoes and dance! You didn’t actually think the Trampinator 2000s would stay on my feet the whole night did you?

Monday
Recover.

And at some point later on, bitch to anyone about the fact that I think Columbus Day is a piece of shit holiday. What will we celebrate next, Hitler Day?

Oh and if , when I say recover, you infer that I will be sleeping in and Hulu-ing the most recent episodes of Survivor, Dollhouse and Gossip Girl, then good, we’re on the same page.

Song Lyric Sunday

2009-10-04T20:59:00.011-04:00

It just occurred to me after 3 weeks of being in this mood (contemplative and uninspired vs. witty and motivated) that I'm in a valley.

I live in the hills
You live in the valley
And all that you know are those blackbirds
You rise every morning
Wondering what in the world will the world bring today
Will it bring you joy or will it take it away
And every step you take is guided by
The map of the light on the land and the blackbird's cry
You will walk in good company
The valley is dark
The burgeoning holding
The stillness obscured by their judging
You walk through the shadows
Uncertain and surely hurting
Deserted by the blackbirds and the staccato of the staff
And though you trust the light towards which you wend your way
Sometimes it feels all that you wanted has been taken away
You will walk in good company
I love the best in you
You love the best in me
And though it is not always easy
The lovely, the lonely
We will walk in good company
The shepherd upright and flowing
You see...

Most beautiful. fucking. voice. ever.

DaVinci Code Wednesday

2009-09-09T13:11:00.009-04:00

I don’t know about you but I’ve been hearing about how special today is since yesterday and I’m getting pretty tired of it. According to the pundits we’ll never see anything like 9/9/09 again. At least not until 10/10/10 rolls around! Kudos, by the way, to all you brides who had the foresight to book the Elks Lodge on such an auspicious date. No flies on you!

I wonder how many weddings were booked for 6/6/06...

September

2009-09-03T13:59:00.005-04:00

UHaul trucks unload
Loud, rude, entitled masses
My loathing unleashed

Westminster Freak Show

2009-08-28T11:54:00.009-04:00

But wait, there's more!

Sarcasm Boomerang

2009-08-26T15:48:00.005-04:00

Colleague: I’m having trouble sending emails to my friends with AOL addresses. My emails just bounce back.

Me: People still use AOL?

Two weeks pass as our intrepid IT department waves its magic wand over the internet

Me: Hey, that AOL email problem has finally been fixed. Let me know if you run into any other glitches.

Colleague: Thanks, I’ll see if I have any friends left and let you know.

My Three Cents

2009-08-26T14:03:00.011-04:00

I should probably be writing a poignant post about my feelings on the loss of Ted Kennedy (in brief: I’m sad) but instead I’d really rather talk about the strange thing that happened at Starbucks this morning.

I handed the cashier payment for a muffin and was expecting to receive $.03 change along with my receipt. Instead, the cashier pulled 3 pennies out of the register and dropped them unceremoniously into the tip jar on the counter before turning to take the order of the gentleman next me. I just sort of stood there looking blankly at the tip jar and then blankly at the cashier and then blankly at the guy next to me and then blankly at the register and then blankly…

You get where I’m going with this right? I basically drew a big blank. I had no idea what to say although I felt like I should say something. Part of me was all I can’t believe she just stole my change while another part of me was all dude, why are you getting so worked up about 3 cents? While still another part of me was all you’ve never touched a surf board in your life so what’s with all this dude shit? As the voices in my head began to crescendo, I suddenly heard another voice – the one that was actually coming out of my mouth. And this time it said, Excuse me, may I have a receipt please?

Yup, a receipt. Please.

Immediately all the voices in my head stopped bickering and teamed up to give me a wedgie.

What the fuck? When did I go soft? What happened to the girl who tripped that guy with her umbrella when he yelled at her to get out of the way bitch? What happened to the girl who took her dollar back from that homeless woman when she realized she had been lied to and the woman wasn’t using it for train fare and probably wasn't even homeless? What happened to the girl who picked a fight with a sausage vendor in front of the Boston Garden because he was being an obscene, chauvinistic pig?

Dude, I used to be a lion like Ted. Now I'm just a p*ssy.

Some Tree Porn for Your Thursday

2009-08-19T20:51:00.013-04:00

Cirque de So What

2009-08-19T20:42:00.007-04:00

Proud Member of the U.S. Rhythmic Gymnastics Team

Mad, Mad Whirled

2009-08-19T16:00:00.015-04:00

Dear Impatient Readers,

I know you have been anxiously awaiting a witty and relevant post but sadly, I must have left my bottle of Wit and Relevance at the laundromat last night.

What can I say? Life is good. It’s summertime and the living is easy. Unless you live next door to this guy...then the living is a little more tenuous.

So while I’m off being fabulous for the last few weeks of summer, why don’t you go make yourself fabulous too! You knew my new profile pic had to come from someplace fun!

Flouncy skirts and feather boas,
Beau

Random Acts of Pastry

2009-08-12T13:52:00.012-04:00

In case you didn’t know it, today is Vinyl Record Day. I know, it snuck up on me too! But I’m betting that Vespa owner up the street with the vanity plate that reads Vinyl Dciple knows what today is. I think I’ll have my local bakery decorate a cupcake to look like an old Beatles 45 so I can leave it on the seat of that guy's scooter. Won’t he be surprised!

For those of you who won't be having cupcakes, you can at least have a little fun over at the Vinyl Record Generator. Well, once they get it working again....

Kind of ironic isn't it?

Facebook Can Suck It

2009-08-06T13:52:00.012-04:00

I hate Facebook. Not because people are constantly peeing on my Wall or sending me fake potted plants to stop global warming. Though seriously people, that shit needs to stop. No, I’m pissed because Facebook infected my computer with Koobface and then caused me to jolt awake at 3am in a cold sweat because my subconscious had just figured out that Koobface is Facebook backwards …or ½ backwards and ½ forwards. See? That just goes to show you how much this virus has fucked with me - I can’t even DESCRIBE it properly.

Anyway, it happened on Monday and now I know how all you Monday-haters feel. I had piles of shit to do and I just wanted to go outside and play but instead I spent half the day staring at an epileptic computer screen while Koobface and his friends, Trojan and Monder, frolicked in my hardrive. No euphemism intended. Oh yes, did I mention that my computer was infected with THREE viruses simultaneously? Well, technically two viruses and a worm. Imagine how you would feel if you contracted cholera AND ebola and then had a little dose of tapeworm on the side. Not so fresh, eh?

And here’s the irony - my computer only became symptomatic when I started searching the web for candida related websites. That’s right, research yeast infections and you’re liable to get Koobface. I was doing this for a client by the way, not for me. Oh sure, like the truth is actually going to convince you, Internet.

Anyway, the good news is that Koobface and Trojan (the two things responsible for ruining most one-night stands, by the way) have been exterminated by my fancy new virus killing software designed and installed by geek geniuses who ROCK. (Thank you geek geniuses!) Unfortunately, Monder got all pouty when his friends deserted him and he's now holed up in the System Volume directory still trying to wreak havoc. His days are numbered though.

D is for Dumb-ass

2009-07-16T11:40:00.046-04:00

Gang, I am falling apart at the seams this week! My vitamin D levels have hit rock bottom and my dermatologist has recommended high dosage supplementation to commence immediately. Vitamin D is largely responsible for maintaining bone integrity and with my levels this low, it won’t be surprising if Gumby’s face peers back at me the next time I look in the mirror.

In my infinite holistic wisdom I decided to ignore the rows of Vitamin D supplements on the pharmacy shelves and instead hopped online to purchase a bottle of cod liver oil. My reasoning was that I could kill two birds with one stone – get my 2000 units of D plus get all those extra omega fatty acids that are so good for me. My original plan was to order the capsules since most fish oils come in capsule form but I soon realized that the cod liver oil with D was only available in liquid form. Who knew?

And then I had to choose between the lemon flavor and the orange flavor. (Seriously?)

The internal debate raged for several minutes before I finally settled on lemon...because I generally like a little slice of lemon with my baked salmon. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking. You are witnessing idiot logic in action. Trust me, there’s more where that came from.)

The cod liver oil arrived yesterday and I immediately cracked that baby open and poured myself two teaspoonsful and drank them down most expeditiously. Ho-ly-fuck-ing oh my jesus what the fuck is slip-n-sliding down my Gar! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Ahem. I won’t be doing that again.

This morning I had a ~~flash of idiot logic~~ great idea though. I decided to replace the flaxseed oil that I usually put in my morning smoothie with the lemon cod liver oil instead. I figured it would taste just fine since I always throw a ton of different fruits in my smoothie. Lemon is a fruit after all, right? By now you're probably thinking sure, the lemon will be fine but what about the fish flavor? The good news is that the lemon is so strong that there isn't even a hint of cod. (You'd think that would have been a red flag for me...)

Someone really should revoke my blender privileges. The smoothie came out looking (as usual) like this. And even more unfortunately it tasted like this. Dudes, I drank that thing six hours ago and can still taste it in the back of my throat. Yes, you heard me. I drank the whole thing.

And now I'm yawning streak-free shines and farting lemon-y freshness.

A Funny For Your Friday

2009-07-10T15:18:00.005-04:00

I don't know who created this masterpiece but you can buy the t-shirt at CafePress.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2009-07-03T00:03:00.017-04:00

Day 1: Hurray! I’m on vacation! I can eat donuts for breakfast, boycott the shower, and watch movies all day since it's raining. Tomorrow I’ll head to the laundromat and get my other errands out of the way so that I can enjoy the rest of my vacation on the beach.

Day 2: It's still raining. I ate the last donut. Laundry postponed until tomorrow.

Day 3: I've run out of movies. The rain continues. My only clean panties are the ones with the shredding elastic.

Day 4: My street is a Class 3 rapids due to flash flooding. I'm going commando in my last clean pair of jeans. Bitchy is my middle name.

Day 5: Pouring. fucking. rain. The closest I'll get to the beach at this point is if I sit in the cat box with a halogen lamp aimed at my face.

Update: Torrential downpours have resulted in a power outage. I am now sitting in the catbox in the dark. Bitchy is my ONLY name.

Fuck vacation.

Things

2009-06-26T16:20:00.014-04:00

Hey y'all! Two weeks ago I finally finished that supermegabitch of an office move I was telling you about - just in time to start building an ark. Big thanks to Mother Nature for deciding it's time to make Boston Seattle. And gee isn't it ironic that the original Seattle has had virtually no rain this month? Anyway, here are some things for your Friday. Feel free to make your own list and marvel at how great, crappy and ambivalent you can feel all at the same time!

10 things I like right now

the recessed lighting in my new office
my hair
homeopathy
the book I'm reading
smoothies
sunshine
finance podcasts
Creflo Dollar speaking in tongues
Strindberg & Helium
my friend's new puppy (She doesn't have the puppy just yet but I know I'll like it. And in the meantime I'm enjoying the anticipation of new puppy's arrival.)

10 things I don't like right now

dishes in the kitchen sink
fruitflies
cold urticaria
the cat's urinary tract infection
the cat's antibiotic
rain
telemarketers
the fact that my house is muggy
the fact that I can only think of 8 things I don't like
the fact that I just cheated on numbers 9 & 10

10 things I don't care about right now

Michael Jackson
Farrah Fawcett
the slim chance that I may burn in hell for listing those first 2 things
exercise
my belly
coffee
writing my newsletter
laundry
Iran
smalltalk

Why I Miss The 80's

2009-06-11T21:47:00.006-04:00

I know I've got a shitload of catch-up blogging to do but until this office move is over, you'll just have to enjoy watching this little gem over and over again.

Clearing The Cobwebs

2009-05-28T16:52:00.022-04:00

Based on the cobwebs forming in the corners of this blog, my peeps are way overdue for an update. So, here you go....

My office is moving and I am the Grand Pubah of the move, so to speak. Now if I could just find my fez... This has already led to numerous sleepless nights (not looking for the fez but worrying about the logistics of the move. Oh, did I mention that we’re moving across the hall? Yeah. Logistics. They’re a bitch. So much so that I can’t even talk about it right now. So - on to the next item.

I was making breakfast one morning and cracked open an egg that had TWO YOLKS! Upon exhaustively searching the internet to read up on the superstitions associated with double yolkers, I discovered that I should expect either a windfall, a marriage, a pregnancy (which could make the aforementioned marriage of the shotgun variety) or a death in the family very soon. Strangely, the shotgun wedding is the only option in this list that strikes me as unlikely in the near future - the near future being the next 10 years. (I wonder if they make miniature fezzes for babies…..or fez shaped shotgun covers – kind of like a tea cozy but for firearms….perhaps a fez in lieu of a veil…..)

This is the kind of crazy digression shit that happens when I’m operating on 4 hours of sleep. Moving on…..

I looked in on my buddy’s cat while she was out of town last week. I know, I know – flamingos and calicos are sworn enemies you say. You know for years we’ve been hearing these lies and I bet you they were probably fabricated by the same bastards that brought us Olestra and Cheez Whiz. At any rate, it turns out that the sworn enemy theory is indeed just a vicious lie. Sweet kitty let me pet her for almost a whole 30 seconds before she disappeared in a puff of molting fur. Maybe my beak was a little too poke-y for her taste…

Ok. Consider yourself up to speed on the scintillating happenings we're experiencing over here. Now go play in traffic somewhere else.

Hell's Belles

2009-05-15T13:15:00.008-04:00

Damn, I miss livin' down south...
Waffle House waitress accused of shooting customer

Caught In The Act

2009-05-11T13:16:00.005-04:00

Someone needs to start pitching in for the water bill...

My Give-A-Damn’s Busted

2009-05-07T11:39:00.011-04:00

My dear loyal reader(s?), I’m so sorry I haven’t left you with much cud to chew on lately. It’s just that every minute that I haven’t spent obsessing about buying food, cooking food, eating food and digesting food has been otherwise spent obsessing about how to ditch this boring, snoring corporate gig I wandered into 18 months ago. Lately the day job’s been soul-suckingly crappy. Not in the work-your-fingers-to-the-bone-and-get-treated-like-shit type of way that I hear a lot of other folks in the elevator bitch about. It’s more like the show-up-twiddle-your-thumbs-and-feel-your-life’s-essence-slowly-wither-with-every-tick-of-the-clock sort of way. Dude, these are precious moments I won’t get back! Seriously, the only time the phone rings at this job is when somebody is trying to call their gynecologist and accidentally dials our number instead.

I’ve been imagining what it would be like not to have to walk through this building every day. Oh sure, the first floor with its enormous breast-shaped light fixtures is always good for a giggle each morning and I would probably miss it. (Yes, there are GIANT BOOBS hanging from the ceiling downstairs. And they light up!) But I wouldn’t miss the humiliation of having to take an elevator to the 2nd floor. That’s right – an ELEVATOR takes me to my office on the 2nd floor. Not because I’m lazy but because I could be a terrorist and building security doesn’t want terrorists using the stairwell. Yes it’s true; my workplace is indeed the last bastion of logic – well, almost.

Rather than wallow in frustration and self-pity I’ve decided to take action and set a deadline for getting my ass out of here. (Ordinarily I’d be wallowing in Dove Bars and pie but this cleanse has me feeling quite spiffy - and I’m not ready to fuck up the spiffiness just yet.) So the deadline is my birthday. That’s September 15th for any of you who would like to send gifts. Gifts are always much appreciated and are also great insurance against me going all Lindsay Lohan on you and saying nasty things on the blog.

For the time being, my escape plan is still a little nebulous but I’ll keep you posted as progress is made. Vive la revolution!

Cleanse-O-Rama Day 12

2009-04-30T14:14:00.009-04:00

Today I made a "green smoothie" for breakfast. I didn't mean to. It just sort of came out that way. In my ignorance I just assumed that the hemp protein powder I bought would be some benign shade of eggshell - instead of the marijuana green that it actually was. The color freaked me out so much that I had to drink it through an opaque straw out of one of those plastic travel coffee mugs complete with lid. Apparently I did not horrify myself sufficiently at breakfast-time because this afternoon my lunch consisted of something that was both vegan AND macrobiotic. Hey, if I start wearing tie-died t-shirts and start skipping showers, would you please sign me up for electro shock therapy treatments? Thanks.

Storm Front Brewing

2009-04-21T13:08:00.003-04:00

I recently committed to do a 21 day cleanse and am now on Day 3. Due to the fact that my body just realized I don’t plan on feeding it coffee or Ho Hos again any time soon , the 10 day forecast is for cranky and overcast with a few smatterings of tears. Some areas could experience isolated bitchiness. Grab your umbrellas and don your galoshes folks, we're in for some nasty weather.

Leader of the Pack

2009-04-17T09:14:00.014-04:00

I recently found a new book club in my area that is going to be exploring the archetypal mythology of Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ classic book, Women Who Run with the Wolves. Sadly, when I hopped online to register as a participant, I discovered this group is already at capacity and there’s a wait list to participate. What?!

Seriously, you guys have 9 members signed up. The James-Younger Gang was bigger than you. If you can’t fit 9 people in your living room then it’s time to scope out a new venue and start charging people to join. (Or it’s time for you to move into a house with a larger living room – take your pick) Hey, you could rent out the local Elks Lodge - tell them your book club is reading Women Who Run with the Elks and I bet they won’t even charge you a rental fee. Sign up 30 women at $15 apiece and you pocket $450. (Sheesh, the entrepreneurial part of my brain is working on overdrive these days. Now if I could just get the where did I leave my keys part of my brain to kick in I’d be well on my way to ruling the world.)

Showdown

2009-04-17T07:25:00.008-04:00

Josie was face-to-face with a Spectacled Bear when I finally decided to hit the hay last night. I hope she remembered to turn off the TV....

The Next Big Hit

2009-04-11T12:06:00.007-04:00

Woohoo, I have new Netflix dvds to watch this weekend! I can never remember what I've rented, so tearing open those little red envelopes is always a big surprise. I wonder what my postman would think if he knew he stuffed Children of the Corn and Anne of Green Gables in the same mailbox yesterday.

Actually, it might be more interesting to know how the Children and Anne would feel if they knew they were hanging out in the same mailbox together. I imagine they'd probably get along fine at the outset. What with Anne being just a kid herself, she'd fit right in with the other Children for awhile. They'd all hang out at Green Gables wearing their Amish-style clothes and working the farm, planting some corn and watching it grow. Eventually though, the Children would fuck things up. One of them (probably Malachai) would kill off Anne's adoptive parents with an axe causing Anne, always the red-headed spitfire, to seek her own revenge. She'd need the help of some serious muscle to go up against The Children though and unfortunately, all of Anne's friends are total lightweights. I mean come on, even her male chums wear knee breeches.

Thankfully, the final season of the Sopranos was also in the mailbox so I'm thinking Anne could always sell the farm and use the proceeds to hire a hitman or two. I'm sure Tony, Paulie and the rest of the crew would be happy to kick some Amish adolescent ass, especially once they realized that the Children were all about killing off every adult in Avonlea. Yeah, Tony was always a pretty serious disciplinarian so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be letting any of those Children get away with bloody murder.

Wow. Tony Soprano, Don of Green Gables. I fuckin' love Netflix.

In which I'm reminded I really need to move

2009-04-10T12:48:00.009-04:00

Spring is finally here and, after winter’s long reprieve, my neighborhood is beginning to resemble a noisy psych ward again. Trekking back home through the ‘Ville last night, I couldn’t help but notice that the residents of every group home, halfway house, and assisted living facility in my neighborhood (yes, there are several) seem to have poured into the streets. It was as though God himself had come along to do some spring cleaning and part of his process entailed tipping each of these residences upside down and shaking out the occupants for a good airing. The sights - the sounds - the smells! (All reminders that Soylent Green is people...)

This can only mean that Season 4 of the Joe and Jackie show should be returning very soon to a street corner near me. For those of you who may be new to this phenomenon, Joe and Jackie are star crossed lovers with mental health problems and an exhibitionist streak a mile wide. If it’s true that God sometimes just hands you material, then Joe and Jackie are to my neighborhood what Chris Rock is to the rest of America – uncouth, uncensored, unpredictable and unbelievably funny. Grab your popcorn and pass the milk duds, folks. I get the feeling we're in for a double feature!

P.S.: Did any of you happen to notice that God got two mentions in this post? What’s THAT about? I think I've been watching too many religion documentaries...

More proof that animals are smarter than we are

2009-04-03T16:29:00.006-04:00

Sadly, spell check was no match for this reporter...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,512010,00.html

Sign O' The Times

2009-04-01T16:29:00.008-04:00

A I Gee, how stupid do you think we are? Do you honestly believe a simple name change will magically erase our collective memory of your financial misdeeds? Back in the 90’s when Prince changed his name to a symbol and everyone started referring to him as TAFKAP (The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) we humored him because he was an eccentric musical genius who crayola’d our world in purple and hey, whatever floated his boat was ok by us.

AIG, you are no Prince.

Do Me A Favor

2009-04-01T14:42:00.023-04:00

Dear Skype,

First let me say that I absolutely adore you. You’re way cheaper than a landline and I love feeling like a time life operator whenever I don my headset to call a friend. Besides, rainbows and unicorns are the only things missing from that cute logo of yours. How could anyone not love you? Just because you rock the casbah though, doesn't mean there isn’t still some room for improvement.

For starters, I spent entirely too much time the other night trying to figure out how to update my credit card info on your website - to no avail. Call me crazy but it would be nice to change my billing preferences without running the risk of deleting my account. When the expiration date comes and goes and you can no longer automatically squeeze that $2.95 out of me each month, don’t you even THINK about charging me a late fee. There are other fish in the sea, Skype, with equally cool names and cute logos. Just because you’re best buds with Oprah doesn’t mean you can't be replaced.

Oh, and another thing. I wish you’d be a bit more selective when allowing people to use your service. Jackass4Ever12 left me a voicemail yesterday and since I didn’t recognize his name, I deleted the message without listening to it. Apparently not the sharpest tool in the shed, Jackass4Ever12 is now trying to contact me via your instant messaging service. How do I know this? Because you just sent me an email that says, Jackass4Ever12 is trying to reach you on Skype. Here’s their message: “Slut.”

I can tell you right now, Skype, that that sort of harrassment does not fly with me. So be a mensch will you, and go tell Jackass4ever12 to shut the fuck up.

Thanks a bunch!
Beau

Of Course I Blushed

2009-03-25T16:54:00.002-04:00

One of the laptops in my office has been screaming for tech support so I finally made the call this afternoon and got some assistance from Omar who walked me through all sorts of crazy diagnostic stuff over the phone. Whatever we did to the computer seemed to make it happier and so, at the end of the call, I thanked him for his assistance. To which he replied, “You are most welcome. Is there anything else I can do to make you extremely satisfied?

Oh Omar, you just totally blew it for the next guy…

Happy World Tuberculosis Day!

2009-03-24T13:44:00.023-04:00

Ok people, I just have to get this off my chest. (But first let me say that I originally typed that sentence to read “Ok, I just have to get this off my chest people.” and “chest people” just looked like a fucked up colloquialism for my boobs, which I do refer to as the girls but would never refer to as people. Go figure. Anyway that sentence clearly had to be restructured. And now that it has been, I return you to my regularly scheduled rant.)

There’s a billboard in one of the train stations downtown that’s been bugging me every day for a month. It depicts a woman pondering whether she has Multiple Sclerosis, ALS, Parkinson’s, Breast Cancer, Clinical Depression, etc. Apparently one of the local hospitals is doing a clinical trial for hypochondriacs and they are recruiting volunteers. Well hell, if I wasn’t a hypochondriac before I read that sign 30 times, I sure as shootin’ am now! By the way, I usually see this sign right after I duck past the ad on the train that tries to convince me that tonight could be the night I am eaten alive by deadly bedbugs.

This morning, I hopped online to Google "bed bugs" but, before I could enter my search criteria, I noticed a statement underneath the empty search box. It read: “Tuberculosis is a global threat. Get tested and treated.” The second sentence was a hyperlink that, of course, I HAD TO CLICK, otherwise curiosity would be killing me softly if I didn’t. So I clicked - and was promptly informed that today is World Tuberculosis Day. Since when, you ask? Yeah, I asked that too. Since 1882 when, according to Google, Dr. McSmartyPants discovered that TB was spread via airborne bacteria - but according to every calendar I’ve owned over the last 37 years, since NEVER. So, fuck you Google. Fuck you and the tuberculosis infected bed bug you rode in on.

Best Lunch Ever

2009-03-18T14:02:00.028-04:00

In the midst of my lunchtime stroll today, I witnessed a hawk rip a pigeon right out of the sky and wrestle him onto a nearby tree branch to finish the kill. SO f***ing cool!

As the hawk tore apart giant clumps of pigeon, an unsuspecting lady walked right under the branch and stopped to get a closer look at some pretty feathers on the ground. Seconds later her head jerked up with a start and the lightbulb switched on. Priceless.

I spoke to the lady as she walked by me because, I’m sorry, I just had to connect with SOMEONE on the ground who was aware of what was happening. Turns out she’s Russian (Yay, me too! Ok, well, my paternal grandmother was Russian, that still counts right?)

So get this; she tells me that in Russian the word for “the one who eats meat” (pointing at the indelicate hawk) is “heek-neesh” (yes, that is my own phoneticized English version of the word because I have no idea how to spell what she said in Russian. Dude, they have a completely different alphabet than we do - cut me some slack.)

Anyway, I may have stuck around a little too long to watch Mr. Heekneesh eat his lunch because now I'm wondering what the Russian word is for 'vegetarian'.

Another Low-Key Weekend

2009-03-13T15:32:00.006-04:00

The guy and I are headed up to NH to bottle our beer this weekend. And while we're up there, I plan to procure a 900lb bag of basmati rice. Yes, that's right, Nashua, NH is a beer and basmati mecca - you been living under a rock or something? Actually I don't need 900 pounds of basmati. I'm thinking a 10 pound bag will do just fine. 'Cuz I eats me a lotta rice! That's what we superheroes live on, yo. Beer and basmati. Oh yeah, and whatever we manage to flay with our electrified whips. Yup, Nashua won't know what hit 'em...

You can make your own superhero here. Just don't forget to tell 'em who sent you!

Geography Lesson

2009-03-10T16:35:00.004-04:00

Here's an interesting bit of trivia:
If Facebook were a country, it would rank 6th in terms of population size.

I wonder how many 10th graders will be representing Facebook at the Model U.N. next year.

Stop saying that!

2009-03-10T15:26:00.027-04:00

In recent days I have heard the word de-install used at least 15 times in my conversations with several different service reps at Photocopiers 'R' Us . I even tried dropping the word uninstall into a couple of conversations just to see if it would go unnoticed - and I was CORRECTED each time.

Apparently there's an enormous difference between de-installing and uninstalling a photocopier. I wish someone would tell me what that difference is so that I may be less inclined to stab someone in the eye with an icepick the next time they say the copier is going to be de-installed.

In the meantime, here are some other nifty words and phrases that may drive me to violence very soon:

For all intensive purposes
(For all intents and purposes, you're an idiot.)

Conversate
(This is the last time I knowingly converse with an idiot.)

Irregardless
(Regardless of what you may have been led to believe, irregardless is not a word. Now hand me that icepick.)

Mute point
(Where I purchased this icepick is really a moot point. Though I suppose if I used it to stab you in the neck it might be a mute point after all.)

Supposably
(There is supposedly a $10,00 reward being offered to anyone who may have information regarding the multiple stabbings at Photocopiers 'R' Us .)

Reply back to me
(Honestly, a simple reply will do)

Dueling Lyrics

2009-03-06T09:46:00.020-05:00

Have you ever awakened COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED after a night of deep and restful sleep? That's me today. Seriously, I'm staggering around like an extra in a Bruce Campbell movie. What's worse is that I woke up with two sets of dueling song lyrics in my head.

1) All the punks are gonna scream yippee, 'cuz it's the thing that only eats hippies
(from The Thing That Only Eats Hippies by the Dead Milkmen)

2) Woke up this mornin', put on my slippers, walked in the kitchen and died
(from Please Don't Bury Me by John Prine

These two lines flipped back and forth across my gray matter until finally, John Prine won. Now the entire song is on a continuous melodic loop from my brain to my mouth to my ears and back. Woe betide whoever sits next to me on the train home tonight...

John Prine rocks. I must share the entire song with the world. Enjoy!

Please Don't Bury Me
©John Prine

Woke up this morning
Put on my slippers
Walked in the kitchen and died
And oh what a feeling!
When my soul
Went thru the ceiling
And on up into heaven I did ride
When I got there they did say
John, it happened this way
You slipped upon the floor
And hit your head
And all the angels say
Just before you passed away
These were the very last words
That you said:

Chorus:
Please don't bury me
Down in that cold cold ground
No, I'd druther have "em" cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
And the deaf can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size
Give my stomach to Milwaukee
If they run out of beer
Put my socks in a cedar box
Just get "em" out of here
Venus de Milo can have my arms
Look out! I've got your nose
Sell my heart to the junkman
And give my love to Rose

Repeat Chorus

Give my feet to the footloose
The careless, fancy free
Give my knees to the needy
Don't pull that stuff on me
Hand me down my walking cane
It's a sin to tell a lie
Send my mouth way down south
And kiss my ass goodbye

Repeat Chorus

McGruff-ed Up

2009-03-05T11:27:00.036-05:00

A couple of days ago McGruff the Crime Dog was assaulted in our nation's capitol. Apparently, he was standing on a street corner, passing out flyers to children when a local bus driver stopped the bus, hopped off, adjusted his side view mirror, punched McGruff in the face, then got back on the bus and drove away. Whaaaaat???

Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick, it's not as if the poor guy dressed as McGruff wasn't already suffering enough. First off, the dude was a cop. You can't tell me that his assignment to dog duty was not intended to punish and humiliate him to begin with. What did he do to deserve such cruelty, sleep with the chief's wife? Second of all, the air inside those McGruff suits hovers steadily around 5 bagillion degrees and smells like wet socks. (So I had a McGruff gig in college, what's it to ya?) Here's the deal: if you're dressed as McGruff the Crime Dog, you're already feeling suicidal and the last thing you need is some asshole to kick you when you're down. Shame on you, bus driver. Shame. On. You.

Dear Santa

2009-03-03T20:09:00.005-05:00

I'm starting my Christmas list early...

Citizen's Arrest

2009-03-03T16:19:00.008-05:00

The next time some jackass cuts me off on the SIDEWALK because they're too busy text messaging to watch where they are walking, I'm slapping on the handcuffs and hauling them down to the nearest precinct.

Multi(taken to)task

2009-03-02T16:56:00.006-05:00

Woman arrested for driving while breast-feeding, talking on phone
http://www.courierpress.com/news/2009/feb/28/woman-arrested-driving-while-breast-feeding-talkin/

What the AP doesn't mention in this article (but my local radio announcer did!) is that the woman was balancing her child against the steering wheel in order to accomplish the aforementioned feat. Who is this chick...the opening act of Hillbilly Cirque du Soleil?

By the way, my favorite comment posted by a reader of the AP article is, "What a boob!"

Treetops

2009-02-28T16:59:00.009-05:00

Check out the Windex blue sky. It makes me want to wash my windows. Almost.

Customer Service Is Dead

2009-02-27T12:15:00.018-05:00

Yeah, I know, it died awhile back. I just wasn't ready for the flaming reminder when I called to book a hotel reservation this morning. Sure, I'm as Gen-X as the next gal but the slacker on the other end of the line just put my laid-back attitude to shame. The guy was CHEWING GUM when he picked up my call. (Anyone else flashing back to Letterman's Joaquin Phoenix interview?) This is pretty much how the call went down:

Hi. I'd like to speak with a reservations agent, please.

Yeah, I can talk to you.

Great. Well, I'd like to book a reservation at your hotel for next week - arriving March 2, departing March 6.

(in between chews) Yeah, hang on.

You with a local company? (more chewing)

Yes, I usually book reservations at the Company X corporate rate.

'K. Smoking or non?

Non smoking please.

Arriving when?

March 2nd

Leaving when?

March 6th

Name?

Beau Flamingo

Honors number?

Excuse me?

You a Hilton Honors Member?

Oh. Yes.

Leaving when?

March 6th

Here's your confirmation number

(silence while I wait for it, pen in hand thinking we've missed a step...)

I need your credit card number (That's the step. I recite my card number and exp. date)

Here's your confirmation number

(Silence interspersed with chewing while I imagine he is staring at a frozen computer screen. Aaaaand we wait. Paper crinkling. Another packet of Big League Chew is opened.)

Is your computer giving you a hard time? It must know it's Friday... haha.

Nope. Number's 12333764

Great, thanks for your

(CLICK. silence. I stare at the phone, awestruck. Oh no he DIDN'T. )

Another Nine Minutes

2009-02-27T10:59:00.026-05:00

This morning I was awakened by the ringing of my alarm clock– a highly unusual occurrence since my alarm clock is of the Moonbeam variety. For those of you unfamiliar with the Moonbeam, its claim to fame is that it is designed to awaken you with the peaceful glow of simulated sunshine, thus allowing you to attain consciousness slowly and calmly - instead of assaulting you with the usual beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep SLAM-CRASH-CRUNCH-SNOOZE experience offered by most traditional alarm clocks.

On most mornings however, the real experience of waking up to the Moonbeam can be likened to having an ambulance and 10 cop cars drive into your bedroom, sirens silenced, all lights flashing incessantly like the pulsing strobe of a techno dance club. I half expect to open my eyes one day and see a federal drug bust going down at the foot of my bed.

Not today though! This morning was just the pleasant little brrrring brrring brrrring of a normal alarm bell – the one that kicks in after the Moonbeam gives up on all the armageddon flashing because you’re still COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS and the only thing it can think to do is make some sort of tentative little noise at you. So this morning as I was running down my list of everything and everyone that I was grateful for in my life, (yes, I do this every morning – stop the mocking) I sent a very special shout out to my good buddy Southern Comfort who apparently nudged me into just enough of a coma last night that I was able to entirely skip the horrible flashy light part of today. Thanks bourbon gods, you rock!

Correction

2009-02-26T14:39:00.005-05:00

In a previous post I mentioned my 6 foot tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed gal pal and in doing so I erred. Her eyes are actually brown. And as I type this I'm thinking of that Crystal Gayle song, Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue? Welcome to cheesy 70's music week, folks. The hits just keep on comin'!

You have my apologies, Brown-Eyed Girl. (song credit: Van Morrison)

(Maybe) The Bermuda Triangle Ate My Homework

2009-02-26T10:53:00.008-05:00

It was my intention to upload a couple of photos for your viewing pleasure today but I realized that I have misplaced the software required to transfer said photos from my camera to my computer. Ironically, I have owned this camera for 2 or 3 years now and have only recently shown it any attention. (In truth, digital cameras intimidate me. I'm all about simple and digital is all about complicated.)

It is possible that the software was missing from the package when I first opened the camera a few Christmases ago – and I just didn’t notice because I was technologically illiterate at the time. (Some would say I still am. And they would be correct.)

It is also possible that the last person to whom I loaned my camera has misplaced the software I seek. My fault, not hers - unless she was using the CD-ROM as a coaster for her bottle of pinot noir while she was on that little bender in Bermuda a few months ago.

Bottom line: I am temporarily photographically incapacitated. This should not be confused with pathologically intoxicated which was the diagnosis for Kim Basinger’s character in Final Analysis. Remember that movie? Uma Thurman played her clinically depressed sister and Richard Gere played the therapist she was alternately screwing, framing for murder, then actually attempting to murder. Oh and don't forget the ever-so-sinister Eric Roberts who played her abusive, Mafioso husband whom she offed with a dumbbell. Netflix, baby. Gotta love it!

So yes, no photos today. Amuse yourself with this Kim Basinger-free video instead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU

Reunited (and it feels so good)

2009-02-25T16:41:00.015-05:00

Peaches and Herb stuck in your head too? You're welcome!

I have 3 days to decide whether I’m going to my 20th high school reunion. Unfortunately, my ass is on the fence and it refuses to budge. Why the 3 day deadline? Because Alec promised me a year ago (Yes I called dibs a year in advance. I am a Virgo whose planning switch is constantly flipped in the on position. You got a problem with that?) that he would accompany me to said event even if it conflicted with his annual camping trip. Which, as it turns out, it does. Did I mention that both his camping trip and my reunion fall on Mother's Day weekend. (Yup, he's screwed no matter which trip he takes.) Plans must be made though and they must be made by this weekend - I'm feeling the pressure.

Why am I on the fence? Because a year ago I had not discovered Facebook (or as I like to call it the 9th wonder of the world) which in recent months has enabled me to reconnect with most of the people I've ever had the desire to reconnect with. Hell, I reconnected with people I didn't even know I knew. And then I discovered privacy settings and unfriended half of my new Facebook friends. But I digress...

The point is that reunions are all about catching up with folks you haven't talked with in a long time and snickering about who is aging poorly. I've already caught up with most of the people I would have wanted to see at this reunion. And I almost never snicker anymore (except on rare occasions like tonight when I stood next to a lady on the train who has been growing her fingernails since Nixon was in office. 10th wonder of the world. I couldn't help it - I mentally snickered.) So yeah, now there's a big part of me that feels like dragging Alec to this reunion could be a waste of time for both of us. But there's still a little part of me that would like to roam the campus again and breathe in the crisp Quaker ambiance of it all. (Yes, I went to a Quaker boarding school. Problem? Nope? Good.)

I know what's gonna happen. I will feel bad about keeping Alec from his man-weekend and succumb to my self-imposed guilt. So I'll send him off into the wilderness with his college chums while, several states away, I will drag my 6 foot tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed gal pal with me to the reunion in his stead and we'll spend the entire weekend introducing her to everyone as my lesbian lover, thus simultaneously horrifying & intriguing my ex-boyfriends and their wives.

Hmm.

On second thought....I may have just hopped off the fence.

Minty Fresh

2009-02-25T11:45:00.003-05:00

I heard an odd bit of pregnancy trivia on the radio this morning. (Thank goodness they don’t broadcast pregnancy trivia every day or I would certainly be switching radio stations.) Apparently the most common “strange craving” for pregnant women is toothpaste. They didn’t get specific about brands or flavors (I’m a Tom’s of Maine Fennel w/Propolis & Myrrh girl myself) but the general gist is that many women actually CRAVE toothpaste during their pregnancy. Weird, huh?

Of course, that’s not quite as weird as the caller who rang up the radio station moments before the toothpaste answer was revealed and guessed that sand is the strangest common craving among the expectant set. SAND? Are you SERious? Here’s a bit of trivia: 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed think you’re an idiot.

Technical Difficulties

2009-02-24T18:42:00.002-05:00

Ok, for some reason people (all two of us) who are trying to post comments can't seem to make it happen. I've waved my magic wand over the dashboard and am hopeful that once this post is published we will be able to make comments on it. If we can comment easily on this particular post, it means I have the settings fixed but that no one can make any comments on any previous posts (thank goodness this blog is still a fetus). If we still can't post a comment to this entry then the blog is broken and I need a mechanic. This thing better come with a powertrain warranty.....

And if the above makes no sense to you, fear not. I'm sure you're not alone.

The Eight

2009-02-24T11:52:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking about the octuplets story that’s been in the news recently - not because I consider it any of my business and certainly not because I think it qualifies as news a month after the birth. In fact, I don’t think it’s my business or anyone else’s and at this point it has become simply another source of gossip – more fodder for Y.A.W.N. (your average watcher of news) to chew on. I pointed this out at dinner on Sunday night – a statement which prompted at least 3 of my fellow diners to look at me like I had 3 heads. I have neither the time nor energy to explore the potential numerological implications of that observation so if you happen to be a numerologist, knock yourself out. Just leave your interpretation in the comments section.

Public Service Announcement / Parfait Recipe

2009-02-22T16:34:00.002-05:00

When a personal trainer offers you a complementary session and your gut tells you to run screaming in the opposite direction (say, towards the ice cream section of your local Stop & Shop which happens to be running a 2 for $5 special on 1/2 gallons of Beyer's Ice Cream), listen to it. Because you can either spend the next few weeks leisurely grabbing a dish of velvety vanilla ice cream when the mood strikes, or you can put your life on hold for 6 days in order to treat your sparkly new herniated disc with Manhattans and muscle relaxers.

OK, so maybe it was only a soft tissue injury - not spinal cord damage. And maybe I only had ibuprofen and creme de menthe on hand. Still, both go great with french vanilla.